Friday, September 20, 2013
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The road to business school begins with an extraordinarily competitive application process. Your business school essay is your chance to show admissions officers what sets you apart from other applicants, and why you’re deserving of a seat in next year’s class. Don’t leave it to chance – give yourself an edge with personalized admissions writing guidance from the Ivy-League experts, including Harvard and Yale graduates. Seeking essay editing advice for your MBA personal statement? Purchase one of our editing packages today at EssayEdge.com.
MBA Personal Statement Can Improve Your Application
As more industries realize that good business equals success, more and more students are seeking MBAs. With so many qualified applicants having excellent GMAT and GRE scores, your MBA application essays are your key opportunity to set yourself apart from the crowd. That’s why so many competitive applicants today are using MBA personal statement to get a leg up on the competition.
Your MBA application essay must show that you have the motivation, dedication, and vision to succeed. You need to highlight your accomplishments, your reasons for seeking an MBA, and your plans for the future. In doing all of these things, it’s also vital that you avoid sounding clichéd or formulaic. Remember, the people who read these essays go through hundreds or thousands every year; you don’t want to get lost in the crowd.
EssayEdge offers a broad variety of MBA personal statement services designed to help you ensure your essays are as good as they can possibly be. Whether you’re applying to Wharton, Kellogg, HBS, Stanford GSB, or a different program altogether, we have an experienced, professional editor ready to provide one-on-one guidance that will make your writing shine.
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Scholarship Essay Samples
Content provided by EssayEdge.com.
Scholarship Essay Samples
This section
contains two sample scholarship essays:
-
Scholarship Essay One - Crabiel
-
Scholarship Essay Two - National Merit Scholar
CRABIEL SCHOLARSHIP
WINNER - won $3,000 scholarship
Like Mr. Crabiel, I
literally work tirelessly in many academic and leadership roles. I sleep no more
than six hours a night because of my desire to expertly meet my many
commitments. Throughout my life, I have worked as long and as hard as I possibly
can to effect beneficial changes in both school and society.
During the summer of
tenth grade, I took a number theory course at Johns Hopkins University with
students from Alaska, California, and Bogota, Colombia. Similarly, during the
summer following eleventh grade, I was one of ninety students from New Jersey
selected to attend the Governor's School in the Sciences at Drew University. At
Drew, I took courses in molecular orbital theory, special relativity, cognitive
psychology, and I participated in an astrophysics research project. For my
independent research project, I used a telescope to find the angular velocity of
Pluto. With the angular velocity determined, I used Einstein's field equations
and Kepler's laws to place an upper bound on the magnitude of the cosmological
constant, which describes the curvature of space and the rate of the universe's
expansion.
In addition to
learning science, I recently lectured physics classes on special relativity at
the request of my physics teacher. After lecturing one class for 45 minutes, one
student bought many books on both general and special relativity to read during
his study hall. Inspiring other students to search for knowledge kindles my own
quest to understand the world and the people around me.
As president of the
National Honor Society, I tutor students with difficulties in various subject
areas. In addition, I am ranked number one in my class with an SAT score of 1580
and SATII scores of 750 in math, 760 in writing, and 800 in physics. In school,
I take the hardest possible courses including every AP course offered at the
high school. I am the leading member of the Math Team, the Academic Team, and
the Model Congress Team. In the area of leadership, I have recently received the
Rotary Youth Leadership Award from a local rotary club, have been asked to
attend the National Youth Leadership Forum on Law and the Constitution in
Washington D.C., and wrote the winning essay on patriotism for South
Plainfield's VFW chapter. Currently enrolled in Spanish 6,I am a member of both
the Spanish Club and the Spanish Honor Society. In addition, I recently was
named a National Merit Scholar.
Besides involvement in
academic and leadership positions, I am active in athletics. For instance, I
lift weights regularly. In addition, I am the captain of my school's varsity
tennis team. So far this year, my individual record on the team is 3-0.
Working vigorously
upon being elected Student Council President, I have begun a biweekly
publication of student council activities and opinions. Also, the executive
board under my direction has opened the school store for the first time in
nearly a decade. With paint and wood, we turned a janitor's closet into a
fantastic store. I also direct many fund raisers and charity drives. For
instance, I recently organized a charity drive that netted about $1,500 for the
family of Alicia Lehman, a local girl who received a heart transplant.
As Student Liaison to
the South Plainfield Board of Education, I am working to introduce more
advanced-placement courses, more reading of philosophy, and more math and
science electives into the curriculum. At curriculum committee meetings, I have
been effective in making Board members aware of the need for these courses. In
addition, my speeches at public Board meetings often draw widespread support,
which further helps to advance my plans for enhancing the curriculum.
I have also been
effective as a Sunday school teacher. By helping elementary school students
formulate principles and morals, I make a difference in their lives every week.
The value system that I hope to instill in them will last them their entire
lives. I find teaching first-graders about Christ extremely rewarding.
Clearly, I have
devoted my life both to working to better myself and to improving civilization
as a whole. Throughout the rest of my life, I hope to continue in this same
manner of unselfish work. Just as freeholder Crabiel dedicates his life to
public service, I commit my life to helping others and to advancing society's
level of understanding.
WINNING
NATIONAL MERIT SCHOLAR ESSAY
Nothing in
all the world is comparable to reading Ayn Rand beneath New York's skyline or to
studying Nietzsche atop a mountain summit.
Since
childhood, the studies of philosophy and science have interested me profoundly.
Having read many books on relativity, quantum mechanics, existentialism,
religion, capitalism, democracy and post-Aristotelian philosophy, my quest for
knowledge has only intensified. Certainly, the purpose of my life is to discover
a greater understanding of the universe and its people. Specifically, I plan to
better grasp the interrelationship among forces, matter, space, and time. In
addition, I hope to find a unified field theory and a convincing explanation for
the birth of the universe.
During the
summer of tenth grade, I took a number theory course at Johns Hopkins University
with students from Alaska, California, and Bogota, Colombia. My attendance of
the New Jersey Governor's School in the Sciences is another accomplishment that
exemplifies my dedication to knowledge. During the summer following eleventh
grade, I took courses in molecular orbital theory, special relativity, cognitive
psychology, and I participated in an astrophysics research project. For my
independent research project, I used a telescope to find the angular velocity of
Pluto. With the angular velocity determined, I used Einstein's field equations
and Kepler's laws to place an upper bound on the magnitude of the cosmological
constant, which describes the curvature of space and the rate of the universe's
expansion.
In addition
to learning science, I recently lectured physics classes on special relativity
at the request of my physics teacher. After lecturing one class for 45 minutes,
one student bought many books on both general and special relativity to read
during his study hall. Inspiring other students to search for knowledge kindles
my own quest to understand the world and the people around me.
Also, as
president of the National Honor Society, I tutor students with difficulties in
various subject areas. Moreover, I am ranked number one in my class, and I am
the leading member of the Math Team, the Academic Team, and the Model Congress
Team. In the area of leadership, I have recently received the Rotary Youth
Leadership Award from a local rotary club and have been asked to attend the
National Youth Leadership Forum on Law and the Constitution in Washington D.C.
Currently enrolled in Spanish 6,I am a member of both the Spanish Club and the
Spanish Honor Society.
As student
council president, I have begun a biweekly publication of student council
activities and opinions. Also, the executive board under my direction has opened
the school store for the first time in nearly a decade and is finding speakers
to speak at a series of colloquia on topics ranging from physics to politics.
Directing fund raisers and charity drives also consumes much of my time. For
instance, I recently organized a charity drive that netted about $1,500 for the
family of a local girl in need of a heart transplant.
Consistent
with my love of freedom and my belief in democracy, which is best summarized by
Hayek's Road to Serfdom, I have recently initiated an application to become the
liaison to the local board of education. Also, in keeping with my belief that
individuals develop strong principles and ideology, I teach Sunday school three
months a year and have chaperoned for a local Christian school.
Outside pure
academics and leadership roles, I lift weights five times a week for an hour
each day. In addition, I play singles for my school's varsity tennis team.
Because I find extraordinary satisfaction in nature and have dedicated my life
to its understanding, I enjoy mountain climbing. Among the notable peaks I have
reached are Mt. Washington, Mt Jefferson, Mt. Madison, Mt. Marcy and Mt.
Katahdin. Unquestionably, my life's aim is to dramatically raise the height of
the mountain of knowledge so that my successors may have a more accurate view of
the universe around them.
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Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Admissions Essay writing course
The application is a lifeless thing--a few sheets of paper and a few numbers.
The essay is the best way to breathe life into it. - Admissions Officer
Welcome to EssayEdge’s Admissions Essay writing course. After editing tens of thousands of admissions essays for applicants, we created the ultimate course for students seeking an extra edge in the ultra-competitive college and graduate school application process.
The course contains six lessons and over 100 pages of content. Each of the lessons should help you with a different portion of the essay.
Enter the course by clicking a link below or to the left.
Lesson One: Tackling the Question
Question-specific strategies and samples of various types of questions with comments by admissions officers:
EssayEdge Extra: Who's reading my essay?
Essay
cliches: Top 10 essay cliches
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman. Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
OLAYINKA OYELAMI ACADEMY (oocademy) : College Admission Essay Secrets
OLAYINKA OYELAMI ACADEMY (oocademy) : College Admission Essay Secrets: Content provided by EssayEdge.com. Put Harvard-Educated Editors to Work for You! College Admissions Essay Secrets EssayEdge.com con...
Monday, September 16, 2013
OLAYINKA OYELAMI ACADEMY (oocademy) : Medical School Personal Statement Secrets
OLAYINKA OYELAMI ACADEMY (oocademy) : Medical School Personal Statement Secrets: Content provided by EssayEdge.com. Put Harvard-Educated Editors to Work for You! Medical School Personal Statement ...
OLAYINKA OYELAMI ACADEMY (oocademy) : Law School Statement Samples
OLAYINKA OYELAMI ACADEMY (oocademy) : Law School Statement Samples: Content provided by EssayEdge.com. Put Harvard-Educated Editors to Work for You! Law School Statemen...
Medical School Personal Statement Secrets
Content provided by EssayEdge.com.
Medical School Personal Statement
Secrets
EssayEdge.com contains thousands of pages of free admissions essay advice by Harvard-educated editors.
EssayEdge.com contains thousands of pages of free admissions essay advice by Harvard-educated editors.
Medical school admissions officers
will often emphasize that they don't care what you choose to write about in your
essay. They stress this because most writers try too hard to meet the
expectations of their imagined readers, discarding all of their own personality
in the process. Of course, there's truth in their advice: you should write with
the goal of expressing your own values and conveying the qualities most
important to you. But you must exercise your creativity with an eye toward the
themes and points that will justify your suitability for medicine. After all,
your ultimate goal is not just to stand out as a likeable person, but to obtain
admission to a medical school.
In addition to the challenge of
crafting a fresh take on standard ideas, you face the difficulty of integrating
multiple sophisticated themes into a single coherent piece. The themes can be
grouped into two basic categories: those that speak to your motivation for
becoming a doctor and those that demonstrate the characteristics and abilities
that qualify you for the profession.
As the founder of EssayEdge.com, the
Net's largest admissions essay prep company, I have seen firsthand the
difference a well-written application essay can make. Through its free online
admissions essay help course and 300 Harvard-educated editors, EssayEdge.com
helps tens of thousands of student each year improve their essays and gain
admission to medical schools ranging from Harvard to State U.
Having personally edited over 2,000
admissions essays myself for EssayEdge.com, I have written this article to help
you avoid the most common essay flaws. If you remember nothing else about this
article, remember this: Be Interesting. Be Concise.
Why Medicine?
Because people don't usually make
career decisions based on pure reason, it can be difficult to explain why you've
chosen the field you have. Moreover, your basic reasons probably look a lot like
everyone else's. In this type of essay, you'll have to develop your ideas
effectively and insightfully while emphasizing your uniqueness.
Medicine requires such a serious
commitment that few people stumble across the idea of pursuing it late in life.
It's very likely that you have always wanted to be a doctor, and that's not a
fact that you should hide. But don't offer your point in such a clich��d,
prepackaged way as to make your reader cringe. For example, you shouldn't start
your essay, "I have always wanted to be a doctor" or "I've always
known that medicine was my calling." Better to describe early experiences
and then let your interest unfold naturally.
Describing the direct impact a
doctor had on your life or the life of someone close to you can be an effective
way to demonstrate what draws you to medicine. A twist on the "patient's
perspective" approach is to describe a time when medicine failed to save or
heal someone close to you. The purpose of this tactic would not be to rail
against the medical profession, of course, but rather to show how a
disappointing loss inspired you to join the struggle against disease and
sickness.
How Are You Qualified?
The way to prove your qualification
is not to list attributes you believe you possess but to discuss concrete
experiences that show your abilities and qualities. As always, details are
paramount. The rest of your application has already summarized your
accomplishments and your activities. Show the reader what you did in concrete
terms, and again, highlight your active roles.
The experiences that demonstrate
your qualification are not necessarily distinct from those that explain your
motivation. You shouldn't plan on dividing the essay into two separate sections
for each, but rather organize the structure by topic and extrapolate insights as
they develop. It's important that you think of the essay as an integrated whole,
not as a checklist of questions you must answer.
Some degree of hospital experience
is usually expected, though it's more essential to the "testing your
interest" aspect we discussed in the last section of the course than to
your qualifications. The main point you're trying to convey here is that you
will work well with patients and in a clinical setting. Your shadowing
experience might overlap this material, but the emphasis here is on what you
learned through observation.
A strong research background helps
your case, because the laboratory is such an integral part of the medical school
experience. It's not possible to prove your intellectual capability through a
short description of your projects, so you should try to convey such intangible
qualities as creativity, initiative, and original thinking. Focus on your
contribution rather than your research topic. For example, you could describe a
situation where you recognized a flaw in a procedure and had the initiative to
show your supervisor how efficiency could be improved. No matter how minor your
contribution seems, it's better to focus on some tangible input that you had
than to describe the project as a whole. As always, the key is to delineate your
active role.
TOP 10 MEDICAL SCHOOL PERSONAL
STATEMENT WRITING TIPS
1. Don't Resort to Clich��s.
Every year, medical school admissions officers read thousands of variations of this sentence: "I want to be a doctor so I can help people." It's undoubtedly true in most instances, yet it inevitably fails because it reveals nothing unique about the individual applicant. If you demonstrate a penchant for helping others by describing specific activities--community service, for example--it will become unnecessary to declare that desire, as it will already be clear. Every doctor helps people, so focus on the specific actions you have taken.
Every year, medical school admissions officers read thousands of variations of this sentence: "I want to be a doctor so I can help people." It's undoubtedly true in most instances, yet it inevitably fails because it reveals nothing unique about the individual applicant. If you demonstrate a penchant for helping others by describing specific activities--community service, for example--it will become unnecessary to declare that desire, as it will already be clear. Every doctor helps people, so focus on the specific actions you have taken.
2. Don't Bore the Reader.
Do Be Interesting.
Admissions officers have to read hundreds of essays, and they must often skim. Abstract rumination has no place in an application essay. Admissions officers aren't looking for a new way to view the world; they're looking for a new way to view you, the applicant. The best way to grip your reader is to begin the essay with a captivating snapshot. Notice how the blunt, jarring "after" sentence creates intrigue and keeps the reader's interest.
Admissions officers have to read hundreds of essays, and they must often skim. Abstract rumination has no place in an application essay. Admissions officers aren't looking for a new way to view the world; they're looking for a new way to view you, the applicant. The best way to grip your reader is to begin the essay with a captivating snapshot. Notice how the blunt, jarring "after" sentence creates intrigue and keeps the reader's interest.
Before: I am a compilation of many years of experiences gained from overcoming the relentless struggles of life.
After: I was six years old, the eldest of six children in the Bronx, when my father was murdered.
3. Do Use Personal Detail.
Show, Don't Tell!
Good essays are concrete and grounded in personal detail. They do not merely assert "I learned my lesson" or that "these lessons are useful both on and off the field." They show it through personal detail. "Show, don't tell" means that if you want to relate a personal quality, do so through your experiences without merely asserting it.
Good essays are concrete and grounded in personal detail. They do not merely assert "I learned my lesson" or that "these lessons are useful both on and off the field." They show it through personal detail. "Show, don't tell" means that if you want to relate a personal quality, do so through your experiences without merely asserting it.
Before: If it were not for a strong support system which instilled into me strong family values and morals, I would not be where I am today.
After: Although my grandmother and I didn't have a car or running water, we still lived far more comfortably than did the other families I knew. I learned an important lesson: My grandmother made the most of what little she had, and she was known and respected for her generosity. Even at that age, I recognized the value she placed on maximizing her resources and helping those around her.
The first example is vague and could
have been written by anybody. But the second sentence evokes a vivid image of
something that actually happened, placing the reader in the experience of the
applicant.
4. Do Be Concise. Don't Be
Wordy.
Wordiness not only takes up valuable space, but also confuses the important ideas you're trying to convey. Short sentences are more forceful because they are direct and to the point. Certain phrases, such as "the fact that," are usually unnecessary. Notice how the revised version focuses on active verbs rather than forms of "to be" and adverbs and adjectives.
Wordiness not only takes up valuable space, but also confuses the important ideas you're trying to convey. Short sentences are more forceful because they are direct and to the point. Certain phrases, such as "the fact that," are usually unnecessary. Notice how the revised version focuses on active verbs rather than forms of "to be" and adverbs and adjectives.
Before: My recognition of the fact that we had finally completed the research project was a deeply satisfying moment that will forever linger in my memory.
After: Completing the research project at last gave me an enduring sense of fulfillment.
5. Do Address Your
Weaknesses. Don't Dwell on Them.
At some point on your application, you will have an opportunity to explain deficiencies in your record, and you should take advantage of it. Be sure to explain them adequately: Staying up late the night before the MCAT is not a legitimate reason for a bad performance, while documented sickness could be. If you lack volunteer hospital experience, you might point out the number of hours you had to work to make college more affordable for your family. The best tactic is to spin the negatives into positives by stressing your attempts to improve; for example, mention your poor first-quarter grades briefly, then describe what you did to bring them up.
6. Do Vary Your Sentences and Use Transitions.
The best essays contain a variety of sentence lengths mixed within any given paragraph. Also, remember that transition is not limited to words like nevertheless, furthermore or consequently. Good transition flows from the natural thought progression of your argument.
At some point on your application, you will have an opportunity to explain deficiencies in your record, and you should take advantage of it. Be sure to explain them adequately: Staying up late the night before the MCAT is not a legitimate reason for a bad performance, while documented sickness could be. If you lack volunteer hospital experience, you might point out the number of hours you had to work to make college more affordable for your family. The best tactic is to spin the negatives into positives by stressing your attempts to improve; for example, mention your poor first-quarter grades briefly, then describe what you did to bring them up.
6. Do Vary Your Sentences and Use Transitions.
The best essays contain a variety of sentence lengths mixed within any given paragraph. Also, remember that transition is not limited to words like nevertheless, furthermore or consequently. Good transition flows from the natural thought progression of your argument.
Before: I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult pieces. I began to love music.
After: I started playing the piano at the age of eight. As I learned to play more difficult pieces, my appreciation for music deepened.
7. Do Use Active Voice
Verbs,
Passive-voice expressions are verb phrases in which the subject receives the action expressed in the verb. Passive voice employs a form of the word to be, such as was or were. Overuse of the passive voice makes prose seem flat and uninteresting.
Passive-voice expressions are verb phrases in which the subject receives the action expressed in the verb. Passive voice employs a form of the word to be, such as was or were. Overuse of the passive voice makes prose seem flat and uninteresting.
Before: The lessons that have prepared me for my career as a doctor were taught to me by my mother.
After: My mother taught me lessons that will prove invaluable in my career as a doctor.
8. Do Seek Multiple
Opinions.
Ask your friends and family to keep these questions in mind:
Ask your friends and family to keep these questions in mind:
-
Does my essay have one central theme?
-
Does my introduction engage the reader? Does my conclusion provide closure?
-
Do my introduction and conclusion avoid summary?
-
Do I use concrete experiences as supporting details?
-
Have I used active-voice verbs wherever possible?
-
Is my sentence structure varied, or do I use all long or short sentences?
-
Are there any clich��s, such as "cutting-edge" or "learned my lesson"?
-
Do I use transitions appropriately?
-
What about the essay is memorable?
-
What's the worst part of the essay?
-
What parts of the essay need elaboration or are unclear?
-
What parts of the essay do not support my main argument?
-
Is every single sentence crucial to the essay? This must be the case.
-
What does the essay reveal about my personality?
9. Don't Wander. Do Stay
Focused.
Many applicants try to turn the personal statement into a complete autobiography. Not surprisingly, they find it difficult to pack so much information into such a short essay, and their essays end up sounding more like a list of experiences than a coherent, well-organized thought. Make sure that every sentence in your essay exists solely to support one central theme.
Many applicants try to turn the personal statement into a complete autobiography. Not surprisingly, they find it difficult to pack so much information into such a short essay, and their essays end up sounding more like a list of experiences than a coherent, well-organized thought. Make sure that every sentence in your essay exists solely to support one central theme.
10. Do Revise, Revise,
Revise.
The first step in an improving any essay is to cut, cut, and cut some more. EssayEdge.com's free admissions essay help course and Harvard-educated editors will be invaluable as you polish your essay to perfection. The EssayEdge.com free help course guides you through the entire essay-writing process, from brainstorming worksheets and question-specific strategies for the twelve most common essay topics to a description of ten introduction types and editing checklists.
The first step in an improving any essay is to cut, cut, and cut some more. EssayEdge.com's free admissions essay help course and Harvard-educated editors will be invaluable as you polish your essay to perfection. The EssayEdge.com free help course guides you through the entire essay-writing process, from brainstorming worksheets and question-specific strategies for the twelve most common essay topics to a description of ten introduction types and editing checklists.
SAMPLE ESSAY
His eyesight was almost completely
gone, yet there he was on the diamond. I met Jason last summer in Chicago, where
I volunteered at a tournament for Beep Baseball, a baseball-like sport for the
visually impaired. He was my age--handsome, friendly, and athletic. But Jason
was blind. Struck by glaucoma, he had begun to lose his vision in his early
teens. By high school, he had become legally blind. My sympathy only intensified
when I learned that, had his disease been diagnosed earlier, he almost surely
would have retained partial vision. Financially strapped, Jason's family had
avoided taking him to a doctor for as long as they could; when he finally
visited a physician, it was too late. For years I had planned to work in
technology, but my encounters with Jason and others like him convinced me that
medicine is my true calling.
Actually, growing up I had always
planned to become a doctor, but my goals changed as I began to take computer
science classes at [COLLEGE NAME]. In the first meeting of my sophomore-year
class on Programming in Artificial Intelligence, Professor B joked, "You
know those movies where killer robots eventually take over the world? Believe
them." I did just that, placing my trust in the vast opportunities offered
by computer programming. In my first computer course, I created applications
that could beat a human in tic-tac-toe, calculate complex mathematical problems,
and even converse with humans on a specified topic. Fascinated with the
potential of these programs, I embarked on a different path, away from clinical
medicine. I saw a world in which computers would change and even replace
processes in every industry, and I wanted to join the researchers at the
forefront of this revolution.
Five years after that first class,
the potential contribution of computer technology still inspires me. The
possibilities are astounding. Scientists mapped the human genome years before
their original deadline. Nanotechnology promises to revolutionize the way we
detect and cure diseases. Still, the more I learn about technology, the more I
recognize its inadequacies. Although the "psychologist" program I
created faithfully reproduces human responses, I discovered that I would never
want to speak with a computer about my problems. Certain interactions simply
demand personal contact. As I have tutored underclassmen in math and science,
worked with athletes in the Special Olympics, and visited with patients as a
volunteer at Northwest Community Hospital, I have realized that the human
element in such relationships is irreplaceable. While technology may shape the
future of mankind, only humanity can touch individual lives.
Jason's story touched mine,
confirming my growing sense of the deficiencies in science and technology.
Advances in medical knowledge and techniques are useless without parallel
progress in healthcare accessibility, widespread education about health issues,
and most importantly, strong doctor-patient relationships. The revolutionary
treatment methods I imagined myself inventing might never have an impact on
patients like Jason. On the other hand, the dedication of just a few volunteers
allowed him to play the sport he had always loved. Science could not fix Jason's
eyesight, but supportive doctors, volunteers, and friends could help him live a
fulfilling life. Spending time with him and others convinced me that, in
addition to my research in medical science and technology, I wanted to work
directly with those whose ailments cannot currently be cured.
I have thus circled back to my
original path towards medicine, with no regrets about the scenic route that led
me here. Indeed, I am confident that I will make good use of my computer science
skills as I research potential advancements in medical technology. This summer,
I began work as a research assistant to Dr. C at Northwestern's Buehler Center
on Aging. With Dr. C, I am developing a computer program that determines the
"quality of life" of terminally ill patients. By compiling physician
diagnostics and patient responses to questionnaires, the system assesses the
value of given treatments as well as the efficacy of specific pharmaceuticals.
Through this project, we hope to understand and improve the current care of the
terminally ill. After watching Dr. C and other doctors at the medical research
facility, I can now declare with confidence that I want to follow their example
in my own career, combining clinical practice and research.
My work on the "quality of
life" evaluation project gave me a perfect opportunity to fulfill this dual
goal, and I look forward to a lifetime spent on similar pursuits. Yet I will
never forget that the seeds of my current ambition arose not in the laboratory
or at the health center, but on a baseball diamond filled with people playing a
game they likely thought they would never play again. In my own career as a
physician, I will strive to serve my patients not only as a healer, but also as
a friend, supporting them in their toughest moments, and as a mentor, guiding
them to live healthy lifestyles. Robots may assist in my endeavors, but they
will never possess the compassion of my fellow physicians and me.
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Saturday, September 14, 2013
Law School Statement Samples
Content provided by EssayEdge.com.
Law School Statement Samples
This section
contains two essays:
My interest in the law began with
donuts. As a child, I developed early persuasive skills during family
disagreements on how to divide boxes of the treats. My parents belonged to the
"biggest people deserve the most donuts" school of thought; while as
the youngest family member, I was a devout believer in the "one person, one
donut" principle. The debates were often cutthroat, but when it came to
donut distribution, I sought justice at any cost.
As my family grew older and more
health-conscious, we stopped eating donuts, and for many years I forgot our
childhood debates. However, some recent life decisions have brought to mind
those early explorations of justice. When I
first arrived at the American International School of Rotterdam, I quickly
learned that my colleagues were a diverse and talented group of people. Unsure
of how to establish my own place among them, I tried phrases that had always
worked to impress college friends. "When I work for the UN . . . ," I
told the second-grade teacher, and she answered with an erudite discussion of
the problems she faced as a consultant for that organization. I told the
kindergarten teacher, "When I'm in law school . . . ," only to hear
about his own experiences in law school. By the time I discovered that even many
grade-school students were better travelled than I, I learned to keep my mouth
shut!
Living alone in a new country,
removed from familiar personal and cultural clues to my identity and faced with
these extraordinary co-workers, I started to feel meaningless. How, I wondered,
could I possibly make a difference in a place as vast as our planet? To my own
surprise, I found that answer at church. Although I was raised in the Bahá'í
Faith, I have only recently understood the essential place that religion plays
in my identity. Bahá'í social beliefs include the need to work against extreme
poverty, nationalism, and prejudice; and I now realize that I cannot hold those
beliefs without doing something about them. My identity rests on these
convictions; I cannot see the need for help and just move on. I have to help;
it's who I am.
The lessons I've learned from my
international colleagues have channeled my desire for service into the field of
international development. I still wish to fight the "'Biggest Get the
Most' Theory of Donut Distribution," but now on an international scale.
Once in a while I am approached by
past research associates who heard that I "got out," as several of
them put it, and who want to know how I handled the switch. Some of them have no
idea that people with science backgrounds have options other than research and
teaching, and many are discouraged by the thought that they would have to leave
their beloved science in other to engage in those activities. Several of them
have called me from home to ask these questions, for fear of being overheard at
the laboratory.
The first thing I tell them is that
there is far more to science than the "bench." I myself entered the
science field as an undergraduate, when I chose to study veterinary microbial
genetics. I worked in the laboratory of Dr. William Sischo, an epidemiologist
who specialized in number-crunching but who needed technical assistance with
field sampling and laboratory work to generate the data. Dr. Sischo instilled in
me a strong desire to learn about and experiment in genetics. I was fascinated
by the many ways genetics can be used to help understand how or why certain
biological functions occur, and I wondered how I could use my knowledge of
genetics to benefit society.
After I obtained my bachelor of
science degree, I went on to graduate school earning a master of science degree
part-time while working full-time jobs in a couple of well-establish research
institutions. I enjoyed both graduate school and working in the laboratory. I
also learned the "correct" career path-an academic position at a
respectable research university-was what we were supposed to want out of life.
More specifically, academic laboratories were acceptable, but working in
industry, even to do research, was generally looked upon as "selling
out." I believe this attitude has relaxed somewhat since then, since grants
and jobs have become harder to secure and tenured positions lack the security
they once possessed.
It was during my graduate studies
that I began to question my goals and the assumptions they were based on. I was
becoming increasingly unhappy with the direction my career was heading, and I
began to question my abilities and motivation. Finally, when I heard myself
mutter out loud "I don't want to do bench work forever," I sat up and
took notice. I decided that in spite of my training, and even though I still
loved science, research was not right for me.
I wanted a career, or at least a job
for starters, that valued my graduate degree and training, and that was a better
fit for my skills and future ambitions. I decided I would do best with a job
that was externally driven either by deadlines or by the needs of others; in
addition, I wanted to talk, write, and/or evaluate science as a whole rather
than focus on one particular aspect of a research project.
As a molecular geneticist, I had
occasionally interacted with the patent department at SmithKline Beecham
Pharmaceuticals in support of my supervisor's patent applications. They worked
on a variety of intellectual property issues in a number of scientific
disciplines that were of interest to the company. I realized then that I could
make very good use of my science background as a patent attorney.
Earlier this year, I accepted an
offer to work as a patent agent in the Corporate Intellectual Properties
Department at SmithKline Beecham. The job involves writing and prosecuting
patent applications, which in turn requires broad knowledge of both science and
law. I soon realized that, in order to become an effective patent practitioner,
I must become intimately acquainted with U.S. patent law. Because SmithKline
Beecham is an international corporation, I have also learned a great deal about
international patent law so that I can assist in foreign prosecution of
SmithKline Beecham's patents. When I first started the job, it occurred to me
that my learning curve was a cliff with an overhang, and I was at the bottom
looking up.
I was extremely lucky to find a job
almost immediately following graduation last January. However, this opportunity
was not trouble-free; there were additional risks to consider at the time I made
the decision to change. Our company was in the middle of negotiations to merge
with another international pharmaceutical company, GlaxoWellcome
Pharmaceuticals. As details of the merger were released, we were informed that
the majority of the money saved in the merger was going to be invested back into
research and discovery. In other words, because of the patent applications that
I draft and prosecute, my job as a patent agent will play an essential role in
the inventive process in the new company. Daily interaction with inventors keeps
me up-to-date with cutting-edge technology in the biotechnology field. As my
work progressed, I knew I had made the right decision, and I have never looked
back.
In October, I took the complex
patent bar examination. My determination to take the examination straight away
was derived from my desire to become a registered patent agent before entering
law school, so that my academic studies will not suffer while I attempt to
balance a career and my education. I am now hoping to complete the career
transition over the next four years by attending law school at Villanova
University and becoming a patent attorney. A few weeks ago, I was offered the
opportunity to move to our new research facility in North Carolina, but declined
the offer in hopes of attending Villanova's law program, which is well respected
among the various pharmaceutical companies on the East Coast for its
intellectual property education.
Intellectual property is a crucial
asset to our company, and I take generating and protecting these assets very
seriously. A considerable part of my job involves "translating"
science for attorneys and patent law for scientists. I also have to be able to
understand a new result quickly enough to grasp what the specific invention is
and ask further questions which allow me to distill the invention down to its
bare essence. Organization is also key-this is something I learned as a matter
of self-preservation, since this is a deadline-driven, and sometimes
crisis-driven, job.
I now believe that my job as a
patent agent is not a break with the past; rather, it is an exciting,
alternative continuation of my career as a scientist. The patent applications
that I draft and prosecute make me a critical part of the inventive process at
SmithKline Beecham. Furthermore, my interactions with inventors on a daily basis
keep me up to date with the latest technology. Not so long ago, when I began
research as an undergraduate, I wondered what impact I would have on the
development of new scientific knowledge. Through my work as a patent agent, I
know that I am a key participant in the promotion of scientific progress.
I still run into acquaintances from
my research days who ask me why I "left science." I am quick to set
them straight. I may not get my hands wet, but I use far more of my education
and training than I ever did at the bench, and I am very much still in science.
I firmly believe my experiences in science and patent prosecution will allow me
to be a creative and contributing member of Villanova University, both as a
student and as a future attorney representing achievement.
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Friday, September 13, 2013
College Admission Essay Secrets
Content provided by EssayEdge.com.
College Admissions Essay Secrets
EssayEdge.com contains thousands of pages of free admissions essay advice by Harvard-educated editors
EssayEdge.com contains thousands of pages of free admissions essay advice by Harvard-educated editors
Each year, Harvard rejects four out of five valedictorians and hundreds of students with perfect SAT scores, leaving applicants and parents wondering what went wrong. While there is no secret formula for gaining admission to a top school, there are many ways to ensure rejection, and the most common by far is taking the admissions essay lightly.
Over one-third of the time an admissions officer spends on your application is spent evaluating your essay. Admissions officers use the essay to compare hundreds or even thousands of applicants with similar grades, activities, and SAT scores. To stand out, your essay must not only demonstrate your grasp of grammar and ability to write lucid, structured prose, you must also paint a vivid picture of your personality and character, one that compels a busy admissions officer to accept you.
Fortunately, unlike every other aspect of the application, you control your essay, and can be sure that the glimpse you give the admissions committee into your character, background, and writing ability is the most positive one possible.
Fortunately, unlike every other aspect of the application, you control your essay, and can be sure that the glimpse you give the admissions committee into your character, background, and writing ability is the most positive one possible.
As the founder of EssayEdge.com, the Net's largest admissions essay prep company, I have seen firsthand the difference a well-written application essay can make. Through its free online admissions essay help course and 300 Harvard-educated editors, EssayEdge.com helps tens of thousands of student each year improve their essays and gain admission to schools ranging from Harvard to State U.
Having personally edited over 2,000 admissions essays myself for EssayEdge.com, I have written this article to help you avoid the most common essay flaws. If you remember nothing else about this article, remember this: Be Interesting. Be Concise.
TOP 10 ESSAY WRITING TIPS
1. Don't Thesaurusize Your Essay. Do Use Your Own Voice.
Admissions officers can tell Roget from an 18-year-old high school senior. Big words, especially when misused, detract from the essay, inappropriately drawing the reader's attention and making the essay sound contrived.
Admissions officers can tell Roget from an 18-year-old high school senior. Big words, especially when misused, detract from the essay, inappropriately drawing the reader's attention and making the essay sound contrived.
Before: Although I did a plethora of activities in high school, my assiduous efforts enabled me to succeed.
After: Although I juggled many activities in high school, I succeeded through persistent work.
2. Don't Bore the Reader. Do Be Interesting.Admissions officers have to read hundreds of essays, and they must often skim. Abstract rumination has no place in an application essay. Admissions officers aren't looking for a new way to view the world; they're looking for a new way to view you the applicant. The best way to grip your reader is to begin the essay with a captivating snapshot. Notice how the slightly jarring scene depicted in the "after" creates intrigue and keeps the reader's interest.
Before: The college admissions and selection process is a very important one, perhaps one that will have the greatest impact on one's future. The college that a person will go to often influences his personality, views, and career.
After: An outside observer would have called the scene ridiculous: a respectable physician holding the bell of his stethoscope to the chest of a small stuffed bear.
3. Do Use Personal Detail. Show, Don't Tell!
Good essays are concrete and grounded in personal detail. They do not merely assert "I learned my lesson" or that "these lessons are useful both on and off the field." They show it through personal detail. "Show don't tell," means if you want to relate a personal quality, do so through your experiences and do not merely assert it.
Good essays are concrete and grounded in personal detail. They do not merely assert "I learned my lesson" or that "these lessons are useful both on and off the field." They show it through personal detail. "Show don't tell," means if you want to relate a personal quality, do so through your experiences and do not merely assert it.
Before: I developed a new compassion for the disabled.
After: The next time Mrs. Cooper asked me to help her across the street, I smiled and immediately took her arm.
The first example is vague and could have been written by anybody. But the second sentence evokes a vivid image of something that actually happened, placing the reader in the experience of the applicant.
4. Do Be Concise. Don't Be Wordy.
Wordiness not only takes up valuable space, but it also can confuse the important ideas you're trying to convey. Short sentences are more forceful because they are direct and to the point. Certain phrases such as "the fact that" are usually unnecessary. Notice how the revised version focuses on active verbs rather than forms of "to be" and adverbs and adjectives.
Wordiness not only takes up valuable space, but it also can confuse the important ideas you're trying to convey. Short sentences are more forceful because they are direct and to the point. Certain phrases such as "the fact that" are usually unnecessary. Notice how the revised version focuses on active verbs rather than forms of "to be" and adverbs and adjectives.
Before: My recognition of the fact that the project was finally over was a deeply satisfying moment that will forever linger in my memory.
After: Completing the project at last gave me an enduring sense of fulfillment.
5. Don't Use Slang, Yo!
Write an essay, not an email. Slang terms, clichés, contractions, and an excessively casual tone should be eliminated. Here's one example of inappropriately colloquial language.
Write an essay, not an email. Slang terms, clichés, contractions, and an excessively casual tone should be eliminated. Here's one example of inappropriately colloquial language.
Well here I am thinking about what makes me tick. You would be surprised. What really gets my goat is when kids disrespect the flag. My father was in 'Nam and I know how important the military is to this great nation.
6. Do Vary Your Sentences and Use Transitions.
The best essays contain a variety of sentence lengths mixed within any given paragraph. Also, remember that transition is not limited to words like nevertheless, furthermore or consequently. Good transition flows from the natural thought progression of your argument.
The best essays contain a variety of sentence lengths mixed within any given paragraph. Also, remember that transition is not limited to words like nevertheless, furthermore or consequently. Good transition flows from the natural thought progression of your argument.
Before: I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult pieces. I began to love music.
After: I started playing the piano at the age of eight. As I learned to play more difficult pieces, my appreciation for music deepened.
7. Do Use Active Voice Verbs.
Passive-voice expressions are verb phrases in which the subject receives the action expressed in the verb. Passive voice employs a form of the verb to be, such as was or were. Overuse of the passive voice makes prose seem flat and uninteresting.
Passive-voice expressions are verb phrases in which the subject receives the action expressed in the verb. Passive voice employs a form of the verb to be, such as was or were. Overuse of the passive voice makes prose seem flat and uninteresting.
Before: The lessons that prepared me for college were taught to me by my mother.
After: My mother taught me lessons that will prepare me for college.
8. Do Seek Multiple Opinions.
Ask your friends and family to keep these questions in mind:
Ask your friends and family to keep these questions in mind:
- Have I answered the question?
- Does my introduction engage the reader? Does my conclusion provide closure?
- Do my introduction and conclusion avoid summary?
- Do I use concrete experiences as supporting details?
- Have I used active-voice verbs wherever possible?
- Is my sentence structure varied, or do I use all long or short sentences?
- Are there any clichés such as cutting edge or learned my lesson?
- Do I use transitions appropriately?
- What about the essay is memorable?
- What's the worst part of the essay?
- What parts of the essay need elaboration or are unclear?
- What parts of the essay do not support my main argument?
- Is every single sentence crucial to the essay? This must be the case.
- What does the essay reveal about my personality?
9. Do Answer the Question.
Many students try to turn a 500-word essay into a complete autobiography. Not surprisingly, they fail to answer the question and risk their chances of attending college. Make sure that every sentence in your essay exists solely to answer the question.
10. Do Revise, Revise, Revise.
The first step in an improving any essay is to cut, cut, and cut some more. EssayEdge.com's free admissions essay help course and Harvard-educated editors will be invaluable as you polish your essay to perfection. The EssayEdge.com free help course guides you through the entire essay-writing process, from brainstorming worksheets and question-specific strategies for the twelve most common essay topics to a description of ten introduction types and editing checklists.
Many students try to turn a 500-word essay into a complete autobiography. Not surprisingly, they fail to answer the question and risk their chances of attending college. Make sure that every sentence in your essay exists solely to answer the question.
10. Do Revise, Revise, Revise.
The first step in an improving any essay is to cut, cut, and cut some more. EssayEdge.com's free admissions essay help course and Harvard-educated editors will be invaluable as you polish your essay to perfection. The EssayEdge.com free help course guides you through the entire essay-writing process, from brainstorming worksheets and question-specific strategies for the twelve most common essay topics to a description of ten introduction types and editing checklists.
SAMPLE ESSAY
The sun sleeps as the desolate city streets await the morning rush hour. Driven by an inexplicable compulsion, I enter the building along with ten other swimmers, inching my way toward the cold, dark locker room of the Esplanada Park Pool. One by one, we slip into our still-damp drag suits and make a mad dash through the chill of the morning air, stopping only to grab pull-buoys and kickboards on our way to the pool. Nighttime temperatures in coastal California dip into the high forties, but our pool is artificially warmed to seventy-nine degrees; the temperature differential propels an eerie column of steam up from the water's surface, producing the spooky ambience of a werewolf movie. Next comes the shock. Headfirst immersion into the tepid water sends our hearts racing, and we respond with a quick set of warm-up laps. As we finish, our coach emerges from the fog. He offers no friendly accolades, just a rigid regimen of sets, intervals, and exhortations.
Thus starts another workout. 4,500 yards to go, then a quick shower and a five-minute drive to school. Then it's back to the pool; the afternoon training schedule features an additional 5,500 yards. Tomorrow, we start over again. The objective is to cut our times by another tenth of a second. The end goal is to achieve that tiny, unexplainable difference at the end of a race that separates success from failure, greatness from mediocrity. Somehow we accept the pitch--otherwise, we'd still be deep in our mattresses, slumbering beneath our blankets. In this sport, the antagonist is time. Coaches spend hours in specialized clinics, analyze the latest research on training technique, and experiment with workout schedules in an attempt to defeat time. Yet there are no shortcuts to winning, and workouts are agonizing.
I took part in my first swimming race when I was ten years old. My parents, fearing injury, directed my athletic interests away from ice hockey and into the pool. Three weeks into my new swimming endeavor, I somehow persuaded my coach to let me enter the annual age group meet. To his surprise (and mine), I pulled out an "A" time. I furthered my achievements by winning "Top 16" awards for various age groups, setting club records, and being named National First Team All-American in the 100-Butterfly and Second Team All-American in the 200-Medley. I have since been elevated to the Senior Championship level, which means the competition now includes world-class swimmers. I am aware that making finals will not be easy from here--at this level, success is measured by mere tenths of a second. In addition, each new level brings extra requirements such as elevated weight training, longer weekend training sessions, and more travel from home. Time with friends is increasingly spent in the pursuit of the next swimming objective.
Sometimes, in the solitude of the laps, my thoughts transition to events in my personal life. This year, my grandmother suffered a reoccurrence of cancer, which has spread to her lungs. She had always been driven by good spirits and independence, but suddenly my family had to accept the fact that she now faces a limited timeline. A few weeks later, on the other side of the Pacific Ocean, my grandfather--who lives in Japan--learned he had stomach cancer. He has since undergone successful surgery, but we are aware that a full recovery is not guaranteed. When I first learned that they were both struck with cancer, I felt as if my own objective, to cut my times by fractions of a second, seemed irrelevant, even ironic, given the urgency of their mutual goals: to prolong life itself. Yet we have learned to draw on each other's strengths for support--their fortitude helps me overcome my struggles while my swimming achievements provide them with a vicarious sense of victory. When I share my latest award or triumph story, they smile with pride, as if they themselves had stood on the award stand. I have the impression that I would have to be a grandparent to understand what my medals mean to them.
My grandparents' strength has also shored up my determination to succeed. I have learned that, as in swimming, life's successes often come in small increments. Sometimes even the act of showing up at a workout when your body and psyche are worn out separates a great result from a failure. The difference between success and failure is defined by the ability to overcome strong internal resistance. I know that, by consistently working towards my goals--however small they may seem--I can accomplish what I set for myself, both in and beyond the swimming pool.
About EssayEdge.com - EssayEdge.com offers all users free access to the most extensive Admissions Essay Help Course on the Internet and over 300 Free Sample Admissions Essays accepted by the United States' top undergraduate, graduate, and professional programs. Named "the world's premier application essay editing service" by the New York Times Learning Network and "one of the best essay services on the Internet" by the Washington Post.
Special Discount Coupon Use coupon code CYB7 for $5.00 off EssayEdge.com's critically acclaimed admissions essay editing services valued at $150 or more. Enter the coupon code on the order form when placing your order.
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